i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
