she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
