I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
