Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
