So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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