My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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