Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
