Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
