you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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