I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
