i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
