Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
