Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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