1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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