Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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