how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
