her vagine was all disorganized.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She's the barista slut.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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