Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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