How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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