So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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