we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
