are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
