Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
