I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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