he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize