Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
