I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
