The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
