maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
