I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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