if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize