I think my fart just growled at me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
