If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Drunk is not a location!
as a side note pls kill me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
