I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it's like iHOP with fire
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
