I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
