i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
