im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
