Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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