I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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