There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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