I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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