What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
