You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
