my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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