I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
