I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
