I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
