Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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