My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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