I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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