Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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