farters have to be the big spoon...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
