I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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