You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
