The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize