Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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