i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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