At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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