so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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