how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize